Desperately
by tuesdaymorning.168
Summary: She doesn't look at him the same way as before. Mimi/Jack, Mimi/Kingsley


She doesn't look at him the same way as before, and she wonders why. They used to share almost every thought and every feeling and emotion. They were twins but truly they were one. They were two halves of the same whole. So she wonders why Jack isn't the person she thinks about anymore, late at night.

She knows they had become more and more distant ever since that petty wench had gotten in the way. Of course, she was a "daughter of the light" or whatever. And Jack, naïve and silly Jack was like a moth to a flame. Mimi never really understood why he never learned to control himself; the burn was always inevitable. He had fooled her into thinking that the silly affair was over but she knew that it wasn't. She saw the way he looked at her. She knew of the love notes he had sent her. The novels. The key to their stupid little apartment. He loved Schuyler. He loved her. Mimi knew this, she did.

She never got love letters, or little tokens and trinkets. She never really read novels, it always felt like a waste of time. She wasn't a very romantic person. She didn't understand the point of fantasizing. She wasn't the type of girl who did so. She was the type of girl who lived. She was the girl who got what she wanted. Fantasies to her were useless.

Instead she received anger and rage, his true self. With them it was never really about the romance- the flowers or the candlelight dinners. It was about acknowledging who they truly are, what their true nature was. He would slam her into walls. She would scratch and claw at his face. They loved each other. But at times they just truly despised their other half. Jack never wrote her poems or whispered soft words in her ear. So it really shouldn't have surprised her that all this time he had wanted more.

She doesn't look at him the same way anymore, and part of her feels guilty. She's supposed to love him and him only. He's supposed to be the only one that understands her. They're supposed to be forever bonded. But he's not the same person anymore, and neither is she.

Kingsley sometimes calls her Madeleine, and it sends a shiver down her spine. It makes her feel mature and grown-up. She's lived many years but she knows that most times she doesn't act wisely. When they're curled up next to each other in bed she feels how much he worships her body and she uses it to her advantage. He gives her side-long glances and stares. It doesn't matter when she returns them. He still doesn't look away. He brushes lightly up against her in the elevator only to grab her and throw her on the bed when they're finally alone. He closes his eyes when she softly calls his name when they're together late at night. It's just a fling though, a one or two time deal. In all the years of her existence it will just become an insignificant period of time.

Which is why she doesn't understand how she has started relying on the way he looks at her now. The way he sometimes holds her hand. The way he way he kisses her softly. She's not breakable, in fact quite the opposite. He gives her romance and for some reason she loves it. Sometimes she's stupid enough to even think that she's falling in love with him. And then she knows that she's a hypocrite.

She's unwilling to say goodbye to Jack which is why she still keeps the white dress in the back of her closet. Why she continues to plan an elaborate wedding when she has a feeling it won't turn out the way it should. If she wasn't lying to herself, she would admit that she isn't sure it's what she wants anymore. She's unwilling to let him go because he truly knows her, and hasn't left. But she still feels him pulling away and it hurts her, even if Kingsley is more than a mere distraction. She still wants Jack even if it means more hurt and more pain. Because that's all she really knows. And she loves him, still and is too afraid to even wonder if he still loves her back.

But she doesn't look at him the same way as before. She doesn't need him quite as desperately. And it bothers her.


End file.
